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Wednesday, November 13, 2019

It's Good to be Back

As Nancy said in my introduction about me posting today, I was a suspense sister years ago but had to give it up for a while due to the death of my husband. April will mark six years since his death. We were married for almost 27 years. The long road back to normal...well, actually I'm still on the road back to normal and will probably never arrive there. You see, grief and loss changes a person. And you just don't go back to the way it used to be. Losing my husband to cancer is and will be the defining event of my life. It has changed me.

What mattered to me before his death, achieving and striving, doesn't seem as valuable as sitting by river or watching a rainstorm move in across a lake. I'm learning to walk in gratitude for every gift I'm given from relishing the first sip of coffee in the morning, to the way my dog cocks his head when I talk to him (he's such a good listener) to how warm and comforting it feels to pull the clothes from the dryer on a winter's day. My relationships with my kids and with my family of origin matter in a much deeper way. Now when if I am thinking that I love a person, I don't just think that, I say it to them.

Though I could not write for almost nine months after he died, I would say that the experience has changed my writing as well. I write from a deeper place. I understand loss and trauma not just in theory but in practice. I can relate that to what my characters go through. I will say that the trauma of losing my hubby after taking care of him for four years caused what I can only call brain damage. I used to say nothing would keep me from writing. I wrote when I had a hectic schedule. I wrote when I had little kids. I wrote when I only had an hour to write. But after he died, I could not make my mind put ideas together. It was scary. So I journaled and I did word puzzles. The first word puzzle I did took me a week to complete. I knew my brain was getting better when I could complete a puzzle in a single setting.

The grief that followed the loss was like nothing I have ever experienced before.  I lost the ability to make a decision or a plan. I was freefalling. I was like a leaf being carried down a river or a balloon floating in the air. In the future when time permits I want to write and study trauma and grief in depth. In the mean time, I find over and over that bits of what I have been through sneak into my fiction writing through my characters.

All of this is just to say, it is good to be back. Everyone has a watershed moments in their lives, not just with loss but other events as well. The amazing thing is that my watershed moment happened later in life at age 49. How about you? What events in your life define and shape you?

I am giving away a copy of my newest release Courage Under Fire which recently hit the USA Today bestseller list. It is part of the K9 True Blue series. So leave a comment down below. I would love to hear from you


39 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss and glad to see you are back to writing. Grief and trauma do change a person and it's very hard to come back from it. A bump in the road a couple years ago still has me a little out of whack. It's difficult to get your bearings at times. I'm trying to remember to let go and let God. Learning to walk in gratitude is definitely something we should all strive for. Looking forward to reading your new book.
    nstotts@sbcglobal.net

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    1. Gratitude is such a good practice as is letting go and letting God.

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss! The death of a loved one definitely changes you. But I'm so glad that you've been able to begin writing again and I'm very much looking forward to reading your newest book! Congratulations!
    dmandres5 at gmail dot com

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  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think I've had any watershed moments yet (other than God coming into my life.) Keep writing!

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    1. My e-address is racheltirzah(at)gmail(dot)com

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    2. thanks Rachel. I will keep writing. Your watershed moment is coming. Just part of the human experience

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  4. Good morning. I am so sorry for your loss and understand your grief. Everyone experiences this in their own way. I am glad you took your time out to go through all the processes. I am sure life is very different for you. it is nice to have you back and many more years of wonderful writing again. God bless you in all your endeavors.

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  5. We're so happy to have you back, and I'm sorry for your loss. Grief is crippling and though it does get better, you carry it with you always. Thanks for sharing your story

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    1. Grief is profound. like nothing I have ever gone through. thanks for your comment

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  6. Thank you for sharing, but I am truly sorry for the loss of your husband. This hit home, very hard, for me as well after experiencing multiple losses...the loss of my fisrt marriage (before I knew the LORD), my 2 oldest sons(after I came to know the LORD), my grandparents and their farm, which had been in our family for almost 200 years (it was my touch stone, in a manner of speaking), my husband (he was a pastor, driving to church one Sunday morning in a snow storm), the loss of my father, my brother, and my mom is now very ill at 90... Remarriage and moving away from friends and family. All in a period of a few years. I used to write about everything whenever I could, but now have trouble writing in my prayer journals. Thank you for helping me to understand what is going on with my own brain. May God bless you as you return to writing and life in a "new" normal.

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    1. Mary thank you so much for sharing. You have been through a lot of loss and trauma in a short amount of time. Be gentle with yourself. I do believe the brain can heal.

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  7. Welcome back! I'm so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost a husband and both parents all in a five-year span. If I hadn't had my faith to rely on, I don't know how I would have made it through. I have written in journals for years and finally became a published author a few years ago. Wishing you many blessings!

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    1. Congrats on getting published. I find journalling to be better than therapy. It's like I get clarity when I can write about the crazy tangle of thoughts whirring around in my head.

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  8. I love all the K-9 series! I met a couple of the K-9's at an event our church had a couple weeks ago. I love dogs!
    duellonlysis(at)aol(dot)com

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    1. I used to be a cat person but I ended up with a dog by default (it was supposed to be my then 13 year old son's dog) I love how tuned into my feelings my border collie is. He's such good company.

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  9. So sorry for your loss. Losing my mother on Thanksgiving day two years ago was the hardest thing I’ve gone through. She lived with us her last year and I took care of her. It was hard seeing her decline. She was always so independent and took care of others.
    tumcsec(at)gmail(dot)com

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    1. Gail, that is really hard to lose someone around a holiday. And the anniversary will be coming up. I know what that feels like. Take care of yourself. the first Thanksgiving after my hubby died the kids and I went out one of the few restaurants that was open. I just couldn't face cooking and being in our home without him.

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  10. So sorry for your loss, but glad you are learning from it...thank you for the giveaway!! chendryx(at)nctv(dot)com

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  11. Although each loss or event one experiences is a totally personal thing, I think I have a glimmer of an idea of how you felt and still feel because we may carry on but our "normal" is never the same.

    Our daughter tragically died in a car accident at the age of 17. She was an only child and our whole world. However, as we learned the world didn't stop turning and life, although not as we knew it, must go on. How do you go on putting one foot in front of the other when your whole world has crashed? I did it with love and support and allowing oneself to grieve as each one does so in their own way.

    For me, I knew I had to get up and keep myself busy or go insane with the "why' and "if" parade that ran through my mind. I landed a job working in animal control and trying to find homes for the many unwanted and neglected animals in our town. After a little over a year, I felt some normalcy in my life to where I could return to being a full time homemaker allowing me time to help my elderly parents who were both needing more and more assistance.

    In the coming years, hubby and I became more and more the caregivers for my parents. My Mom and Dad met on Valentine's Day on a blind date and were married 7 days later. When Dad dies just shy of their 60th anniversary, the need to protect and assist my Mom intensified. After cancer surgery and with Alzheimer, Mom came to live with us full time for the last 5 years. Once again, Hubby and I were the nurturers of all needs to someone who although not a child was childlike. After Mom went to be with Dad, once again I felt the agony of being left behind.

    Nothing replaces the physical being, but memories and knowing that some day I would be with daughter and my parents again have kept me going in this world. At times, especially holidays and special events like birthday, it seems like the deaths were yesterday and other times like it was a million years ago when I'm longing to talk to them or wish to see their wonderful faces.

    Happy to hear that you are working towards achieving something you love to do. I can imagine writing books and using your creativity are wonderful outlets for you. Can't wait to read "Courage Under Fire". Love K9 stories! As you can tell my one job, I love animals of all sorts.

    Have a blessed day! Happy memories and may you have more good days than sad ones.
    2clowns at arkansas dot net

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    1. thank you so much for sharing. So sorry about your daughter. I love your parents love story married for so many years. I don't know what people do without the hope of heaven. I certainly think about it more since my hubby died.

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  12. My first watershed moment was the loss of my father back in January 1989. It was hard for several reasons I had just turned 16 two months prior, it was the month month after Christmas, my middle sister had her 13the birthday the month before mine and exactly three days before he died my youngest sister turned 9. It was a very hard year for me, as I was only half way through my sophomore year of high school. Your new book sounds great and I can't wait to read it.

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    1. Patricia that is really young to lose a parent. My youngest son was 16 when his dad died. The trauma of loss has caused some struggles and confusion for him. Such a hard thing at such a young age

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  13. Sharon, thank you for sharing a post that has touched many here today. You've brought comfort. Thank you for being so transparent. And welcome back to the Suspense Sisters!

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    1. thanks for the welcome back. it's good to be here

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  14. So sorry for your loss... there is no time limit on grief... Thank you for your kind opportunity to win one of your books! I love K9 stories!

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  15. So sorry for for your loss. We are experiencing my daddy in hospice now. My parents have been married 72 years.

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    1. First of all, so beautiful that your parents were together for 72 years. this is never easy. So glad we have the hope of heaven and seeing them again.

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  16. My first trauma was losing my son. He was 45 years old and was killed in an on the job accident. I have also had a daughter die of cancer at the age of 51. And lastly I lost my husband to cancer 2 1/2 years ago. I find it is something you never really recover from because as you said it changes you, it changes your circumstances and your outlook on life. It has been over 15 years since my son was killed and the shock of that is still with me. That kind of thing you don’t have a chance to prepare for.

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    1. that is a lot of loss. I understand what you mean when you say after 15 years you haven't gotten over the shock. I feel like a function a little better but nothing like before he died and the sorrow is always there.

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  17. I'm so sorry for your loss, Sharon. Sadly, I understand that grief all too well. I lost my husband of 34 years just 18 months ago after a 3 month battle with cancer. I'm glad you're writing again.

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    1. thanks Cate. the grief journey is not an easy one.

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  18. I'm still seeing how God is using events from when I was younger to shape our lives today. I trained to be a teacher and had some great, albeit unusual, experiences towards that goal - and now we're homeschooling and I'm able to teach in the neat ways I learned back then.

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    1. thanks for commenting I hope the teaching goes good. God is full of surprises. We think we are training for one thing while he has something else in mind.

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  19. I am so very sorry for your loss. Welcome back. I haven't lost my husband, but I did lose my mom to cancer in 2010 after she was diagnosed with cancer, and she died 9 days later, and for a year, I was lost. I don't know how I functioned. I was definitely relating to this post of yours very very much, and I will tell you, as the oldest daughter in our family, I grieved so very hard for her, that it really took at least 3 years before I could get through a day without crying at least once. Grief is something that we are never ever prepared for. Thank you for sharing with us today, and thank you for the chance to win your book. My email is ReadingMama922 at gmail dot com. Debbie Rhoades

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  20. I still cry every once in a while. Always takes me by surprise. The last time I was in a store that sold Pendleton shirts and sweaters. My husband love that brand. Yes I started crying in the middle of the store.

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  21. sad to hear
    bn100candg at hotmail dot com

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  22. I am very interested in your story, as well as those you write about. I attended a Griefshare group yesterday at my church, since my father passed away and holidays are coming. It sounds like you are doing one of the suggestions to think on what you have, not just what you do not have. I am praying for you now.
    Janice
    pjrcmoore@windstream.net

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