Writer's Yard Sale

by E.E. Kennedy 

HERE IT IS! TODAY ONLY!

WRITER’S YARD SALE!

Slightly used author’s items available at bargain prices!

Welcome! Did you see my sign? Is it close enough to the road? Good. Well, yes, we do have a lot of stuff here. Let me show you what I’ve got. You can get some great buys. Just take a look around.

 For instance, over here, I have a large, slightly shop-worn ego. No, I don’t have the original box, but it’s still in working order. It took a lot of hits over the past year. I regret that I put it out where it was so vulnerable to the elements. Even in this condition, it’ll give you quite a few more good years. It’s yours, if the price is right.

That table over there? Those are the hats I’ve worn. This publicist’s hat, for instance. I had to wear it a lot this year. It was pretty expensive, let me tell you. I can give you a deal on it. Oh, that eyeshade? That’s my editor’s hat. It’s gotten a lot of use. That pointy hat? No, it’s not Harry Potter’s. It’s my thinking cap. I used that as much as my editor’s shade. It kept slipping over my eyes so I couldn’t see the clock. I missed a lot of deadlines that way. But it works. Boy, does it work!

 Check out this coffee can here. Give me a reasonable price and you can have everything that’s in it: almost a pound of miscellaneous adverbs. They’re perfectly good, just superfluous. I cleaned them out of my most recent story. Too many of those things and the work is done for, you know. They’d work perfectly well for a story that needs them, though.

 That box of grandiose adjectives? Those are free for the taking. They’re really pretty, but  a little too fancy for me. I tend to be a little more plain when it comes to writing. Sure, it’s yours; just put the carton in your trunk.

 Well, I’d like to get something for those used similes. They’re a little worn around the edges, but serviceable. So are those idioms. Colorful, aren’t they? Pretty decorative when you use ‘em right.

 Look at this box of paper over here. I’d say it’s about a ream. Those sheets would be great for scrap paper. No, you don’t need to turn that over…well, yes, it’s a rejection. They all are. Got a fireplace? You could twist them and use them to get the logs burning. The twisting part is very therapeutic, I’ve found. So is the burning part, come to think of it.

 Could you use these empty liquor bottles? They’d make pretty good candle holders. That’s about all they’re good for. I tried looking for plots at the bottom of them, but no luck.

 Oh, that’s the garbage can. It’s where I threw the double negatives, dangling participles and wasted time. I couldn’t even give those to charity in good conscience. You can’t use ‘em.

 That? I’m giving that away, too. No, it’s not a footstool or a door stop. It’s a giant economy size writer’s block. So far, I haven’t had any takers. You want it? Make an offer? No?

 Well, anyway, it was good of you to stop by. I’ll be here ‘til long past midnight.

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E.E. Kennedy is the author of the Miss Prentice Cozy Mystery Series.

Her newest release is INCOMPLETE SENTENCE.

You can read sample chapters at her website: www.missprenticecozymystery.com

(Originally published at www.thewordsmithjournalmagazine.co)